seeking magic in every moment

And So, It Goes

Space Between

I am putting on a brave face, but inside I am grief stricken.

It is a very conscious choice to not label myself a failure, and in many moments the voice that claims that I am speaks louder than the one that knows that I am not.

There is so much about my current situation that I am wrestling with.

I do not want to be in this location, my hometown.

In attempt to escape, there’s a tremendous amount of pressure upon myself to manifest a source of income, yet my confusion as to what it is exactly that I want to be doing with my days is like a fog over my mind.

I am thoroughly distraught to be separated from the people with whom relationships started to bud over the summer, worried that a hundred and fifty miles of distance will prove too inconvenient to tend to their growth, yet knowing that if they’re meant to survive love always finds a way.

“Be patient,” I tell myself.

“Be kind,” I tell myself.

“You’re doing the best you can,” I tell myself.

“It’s quite okay if you don’t know all the answers today,” I tell myself.

And so, it goes.

I’m Leaving NYC

It’s official.

I am moving.

I am leaving New York City, the place I have called home for the past six years.

I am embracing my word of the year, release, as fully as I possibly can.

I am simultaneously excited for the new adventures awaiting me, and feeling like my heart is being slowly ripped out of my chest with every box I pack.

This move has been in the making for a little over a month.

I just hesitated to say too much publicly because of the nebulous nature of my plans.

Heck, my plans are really no less nebulous than they were when the plan was first conceived of, but now I’m actually taking action so… here I am, saying something about it.

Where am I going?

I’m bound for coastal Maine, provided the necessary resources for housing and transportation fall into place.

If they don’t, I’ll be forming a Plan B from my parents porch in New Hampshire.

I’m keeping my options open.

Where I ultimately settle in the end is a huge mystery to me.

I’m embracing that mystery and refusing to let it shake me.

I am releasing my need to control the outcome.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a badass summer.

Tarot wise, I’m taking a temporary step back from doing written readings, and will be evaluating how those factor into my offerings in the future once I’m settled in my new place.

However, I’m still available for Skype/phone readings, so if you’d like to schedule one for this week please do! My capacity may be limited as I get further into the month, so the sooner the better!

On Being Ambivalently Woo Woo

I am a big fan of the woo woo.

I collect books on spirituality.

My YouTube subscriptions and my feed reader are full of people talking about Tarot, spells, spirituality, and woo.

I read Tarot, Lenormand, and Oracle cards.

I do yoga and meditate.

I carry around crystals in my pockets and sleep with them under my pillow.

I smudge my house with palo santo and sage.

I read synchronicities like divine signs from the universe.

I love circles of people openly sharing the things they’ve experienced, even if they’re “out there”.

I’m fascinated by insights of people who call themselves psychics and mediums.

I delight in all things magic, from ritual to sleight of hand.

I talk to spirit guides who are sourced from pop culture, historical figures, and a magician I used to live with.

I am a seeker and a modern mystic.

I’m also quite often feel like I must be the most ambivalent person on the planet when it comes to my passion for the woo.

One day, I feel it… My connection to the universe, the greater purpose and plan, embodied in my senses, feeling the joy of being alive, connecting with other people meaningfully and deeply…

Then, the next day I’m just like… fuck this nonsense it’s all bullshit.

It often comes for me at the point of over saturation.

The woo space is crowded, and my woo is not necessarily your woo or the lady down the street’s woo.

We might have the woo part in common, we might share a common language, but everyone’s expression of such is incredibly different.

This is because ultimately, woo is about creativity, and just like in art… no artist is exactly alike. Everyone has their own perspective, their own take on things, their own opinion, their own interpretation.

It’s tempting to take other’s opinions and interpretations on as our own, without examining whether or not what they say is actually true for us.

The more voices we consume, the harder it is to hear our own… at least, I find.

I worry too much about getting it “right” rather than just staying true to my own experience.

I get shaken when strong personalities insist that there’s only one right way to shuffle a deck of cards.

So, I take a step back and surrender to how I feel.

It’s okay not to be woo woo round the clock.

It’s okay to love it one day and think it’s a crock of shit the next.

Ambivalence is healthy.

I think it keeps us honest.

The Midweek Messages Reading – March 17, 2016

Midweek Messages - March 17, 2016

Welcome to the Midweek Messages reading! This is just a slightly rebranded version of my weekly outlook readings. It was such a struggle to get them up at the beginning of each week, so I decided to move them to the middle of the week which works for me SO much better. The content is pretty much the same format, but I’ve changed the feature title… So, that’s what’s up!

If you’re interested in scheduling a Skype reading this week, shoot me a message via my contact form to request one, and I’ll get back to you to schedule it. It’s $45 for an hour long session still!

If a written reading is a little more your style, pop on over to the shop and grab one.

Thanks so much for your continued support!

And without further ado, the reading for this week:

If It’s Not Working, Tear It Down

The Tower from Tarot of the Sweet Twilight

The Tower from Tarot of the Sweet Twilight

In case you’re not aware of it, I post a daily card (well, almost daily) to my Instagram account accompanied by a short interpretation to serve as food for thought of the day.

The intention I bring to this practice is to draw a card that is going to assist in centering my day, and I choose to share it on Instagram for anyone who might be needing a similar message for today, and just trust that whoever needs to see it will see it.

Today’s card, The Tower and message that came along with it felt particularly striking to me, so I wanted to share it here on my blog as well, and expand upon it a bit:

The way you’ve been doing things is not working. A dramatic shift in your approach is necessary to move forward. It might feel like you’re burning everything down that you’ve been working towards, but remember that it’s all an experiment. If it’s not working, it’s okay to change it! Don’t let the fear of others judgments, nor the judgements of your own to hold you back.

This was message was so at the heart of everything I was finding myself struggling with the past couple of weeks when it’s come to the the energy that I’m putting into my blog, my YouTube videos, etc.

I hit this point where it was very clear how I’d been approaching things wasn’t working for me. I’d created a schedule for myself and these arbitrary rules that certain types of posts could only go live on certain days, and certain things must be done certain ways or else I was Doing It Wrong.

I very quickly felt stifled by all the rules that I was imposing upon myself.

As much as some online creators might thrive on schedules and deadlines, I’ve never been one of them.

The minute I say that there’s going to be a series of something on Monday, you can bet that I’ll make two or three of them and then abandon the series because that’s just not how my process works.

I’m very go with the flow.

I write what I feel in the moment.

I prefer to create things as my intuition leads me to.

It’s the way *I* work, and I need to stop trying to impose other people’s opinions of the right way to do things upon myself, especially when those things aren’t working for me.

So, don’t mind the dust and the utter lack of expectations or plans around here… Just enjoy the ride.

The Weekly Forecast for February 29 – March 6

Weekly Forecast February 29 - March 6

Here it is, the middle of the week and the Weekly Forecast video is just going up.

It’s been one of those lessons in balancing divine timing and wanting to control a release schedule. Sometimes, you just have to let it go and let divine timing work itself out.

Here’s the thing. Often times as people who are posting things on the Internet we get really hung up on our own timing. With good reason, too. Stuff is statistically more likely to get seen on the days when people expect to see it.

If you like my outlook videos and you read my blog, chances are you’re going to bounce over to check it on Monday to see if the outlook is up (or you’re going to check one of my social media channels…) and if it’s not there, you might forget about it.

Or you might not.

It’s hard to tell in this age of social media.

So, despite the fact that’s tempting to skip doing things when they’re late on my schedule, that’s why I’m doing it anyway even if it’s a few days late. Plus, just because these videos have the dates of the week they’re created on doesn’t mean that the messages within expire when the week ends. The intention of the videos are to inspire no matter when you view them, so really… the dates don’t matter all that much except for my internal housekeeping.

So, one of the messages for this week specifically for the content creators in my audience… Yes, it’s nice to have a schedule to keep yourself accountable, but forgive yourself and do it anyway when you miss a day. The world needs your voice irregardless of whether or not you think you should have said it two days ago.

In other news, I’m going to be introducing Skype readings to my offerings very very soon. While I don’t have a listing up on the website yet, I wanted to offer you all a preliminary offering of an hour reading for $45. If you’re interested, please leave me a comment or reach out to me via my contact form and we can schedule that up. The price is going to go up once the official offering is posted, so now’s a great time to jump on this!

And onto the video…

How Can I Help?

This magnificient feast represents the last of the petty cash.- - Dr. Ray Stantz, Ghostbusters

This evening I found myself digging through every old purse that was hanging on the back of my bedroom door. I was looking any loose change that might have been forgotten about.

I don’t know how much I found. I’m guessing $10, maybe $15? No more than $20.

In truth, I’m afraid to count it.

I don’t really want to know how poor I am right now.

When I was done I counted out $12 worth of quarters and went to the grocery store.

I bought a bag of cat food which will last about a week, and felt thankful that there was a new brand of cat food that was a dollar less than what I’d been buying.

I bought a two dollar cut of beef so I could have a little protein to eat.

It came out to a little over $7, and I counted the quarters out onto the conveyer belt and smiled at the woman behind the register while I swalllowed my shame.

I’m certain I am probably not the first person who bought my groceries in quarters today.

I don’t live in a wealthy neighborhood.

I found myself quoting Ghostbusters to myself as I sat down to eat what I bought, “This magnificent feast represents the last of the petty cash.”

Not exactly true, but pretty close.

There’s less than zero dollars in my bank account. I owe money for stuff.

No expense that I have is more important than food right now.

Eating is my priority.

I’m avoiding leaving the neighborhood unless there’s food or money to be had at my destination. The cost of leaving the neighborhood and coming back is $5.50.

I’m in that grace period before things start getting cut off for non-payment.

If a job doesn’t materialize…

If a stream of income doesn’t appear…

If some sort of miracle doesn’t happen…

I guess I’ll be singing Oingo Boingo’s It Only Makes Me Laugh while I fall down the hole and hit the bottom.

Why I am I even telling all of this to you this right now?

Maybe it’s because every once in awhile, you don’t have any other choice but to be honest about where you’re at because sitting alone in silence isn’t going to solve your problems.

Writing publicly about it might not either, but there’s always the hope that someone will see it who can help, or someone will see it and it will bring them comfort when they realize that they’re not alone.

Telling your story, even if it isn’t pretty or particularly uplifting is an empowering act.

Tonight, I find myself reflecting on the past few months.

They have been difficult.

I don’t regret giving myself the time and the space to figure my next moves, although I’m not sure it was the most fiscally responsible decision I could have made.

I still don’t feel like I have it figured out.

Maybe I won’t ever.

When it comes to my career, I feel like I contain multitudes.

I’m a Tarot reader. I’m a writer. I’m a storyteller. I’m a web developer.

I might be other things that I don’t have names for yet.

Often, I feel like these identities clash with each other, and I don’t always know how to talk about them in a way that feels cohesive.

I do know one thing though.

What I want to feel at the end of the day is that I was able to help somebody, that I was able to make a positive difference in their life.

It’s what I strive for irregardless of what modality that I might be working in today.

Which leads me to ask this question of you…

How can I help?

More than anything right now, I desire to be helpful.

That might be by reading Tarot cards for you, and there are currently a couple of options for that.

There’s always my Tarot shop on Etsy where you can order a written reading, but I’ve got a gig up on Fivrr as well, which is admittedly a little bit cheaper because of the way that site happens to structure their payments.

However, Tarot… while generally the main focus of this site… isn’t all that I’m capable of being helpful with.

Web development and consulting. I’ve got ten years of front end web development experience under my belt. I’m an expert with WordPress and Drupal. I can write CSS in my sleep. I’m pretty adept at recommending tools to get what you need done. I’m available for consulting, subcontracting, development, and I wouldn’t rule out taking a full time gig either. If you’ve got needs or leads in this department, please reach out. I’m happy to lend my expertise for hourly consultations for technical questions and strategy to doing development work.

Virtual Assistant services. I’m a writer and storyteller with 19 years of blogging experience under my belt (it wasn’t even called blogging when I started). I can manage your social media, create your landing pages, handle scheduling, and more. I’m adept at figuring any tool you can throw at me.

So, if you or anybody you know are looking for somebody either virtually or NYC based for this kind of work. Please don’t hesitate to reach out!

The Weekly Forecast for February 22 – 28

The Weekly Forecast with Nikkiana for February 22 - 28

Oof! I had a week last week that knocked me positively sideways. Sometimes that’s just the way the world is and you’ve got no choice but to roll with it. After an unexpected leave of absence last week, I’m back with the weekly forecast today.

If you’re looking to get a reading this week, I’m wide open so head on over to the tarot shop. Love and light to you!

Here, There, and Elsewhere – Life’s Hard, but Be Thankful

James and the Patch Bay Wire Mess (At Least it's Not the Hadron Collider)

So, I’m introducing yet another series of blog posts… Here, There, and Elsewhere. These posts will be most likely be appearing on Saturdays (I’m just barely squeaking it in this week), and will include some personal anecdotes about my week and what’s going on in my life, as well as links to some other interesting stuff I found while browsing around the Internet that you might find of interest.

So… yeah.

I won’t bullshit. I’ve been a little bit of a funk since my birthday passed at the end of January.

As much as I’m loathe to admit it so publicly, I suspect it might have something to do with the state of my bank account (aka Decidedly Not Good).

When you’re prioritizing every penny to make sure you’re fed today, it’s not a fun feeling.

The worry can be so all consuming and draining that it prevents you from taking the steps that you need to take to change the situation.

However, having pockets lined with lint instead of silver dollars does bring a greater sense of what’s important in life though. It triggers you to count your blessings in the places where you might otherwise take for granted.

Even though it’s hard right now, I have faith it’ll get better.

One of the highlights of the week was spending two days working with James to help him take a massive step forward with setting up his recording gear. It was a long tedious process, but we managed to accomplish a comprehensive assessment of what changes need to be made on each of his four patch bays.

For those of you not familiar, they’re basically things with holes to patch wires into that have ninety-six wires coming out of the back end of them that go to various devices. Our project was to make sure the connectors at the end of each of those wires were the right ones to go to the devices they need to attach to. Multiply this times four… so a grand total of 396 wires that needed to be checked and then documented if they need changed.

The running joke has been at least it’s not the Hadron Collider.

Remember what I was saying in my outlook video about fighting despondence with action? James definitely brought it in the taking action department this week. High five, man! (Also, the kittens thank you for the cat food.)

The other big highlight for the week was going out to see my dear friend Karl play last night. Always a delight.

Enjoy this video of him at his show over at Rockwood a few weeks ago:

Elsewhere on the Internet:

The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture

Song Stuck in Your Head? It’s a Message From Your Intuition

6 Really Good Reasons to Lie Down on the Floor. I hope I find some money under the couch…

Being Heard in Community: Reform Your Listening Skills

Unlearning How to Be a Woman

Do you think being called “Too emotional” is an act of oppression? Maybe you should think about it.

What Centuries of Witchburning has Done to Womanhood

In France, A Quiet Hero Belatedly Comes to Light. The story of a security guard working at Bataclan who went back into the venue to lead people trapped inside to safety. Given how many friends I have here in New York who work in venues not dissimilar to Bataclan, I was in tears by the end of this.

New Moon in Aquarius Reading

When I came across the new moon spread that Ethony published on her Instagram feed, I felt led to try it out and publish the reading that I gave to myself on my blog.

My intention for doing this is both to give you some insight into my process when I read, as well as a fun way to get to know me and where I’m at in my life, and of course… if you happen to take a message away from this reading for yourself, that’s an added bonus!

I’m using the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight* by Cristina Benintende in this reading.

New Moon in Aquarius Reading

1. Moon Energies – what energies are abundant for me during this new moon phase?

Six of Wands, Reversed. 

The Six of Wands is a card that indicates that you’ve accomplished something big, and it’s time to let it go and let it fly. However, since it’s appearing in my reading as reversed,  it says to me that something’s going on that’s holding me back from reaching that sense of accomplishment.  Perhaps it’s a fear of being seen, or a fear that I’m going to fail at a time when failure is going to result in some pretty ominous consequences.

This new moon phase is going to be all about doing the shadow work around releasing the fears that are preventing me from showing up in the world as I want to be seen and doing the work that I want to be doing with others… Whether that be Tarot, teaching, or advising about technological solutions.

2. Energy Assist – what can I do to aid or ease it?

Seven of Pentacles

There’s an energy of taking a step back about the Seven of Pentacles to see what’s working and what isn’t, which strikes me as important because it’s best not to waste energy on things that are obviously not working, but something struck me really strongly about this card. The image from this deck depicts a seven piece band, which says to me that finding ways that you can collaborate with people who share similar goals is an important piece of my work this month.  It’s not a time to hesitate about reaching out to people that I perceive as being able to help or advise, the worst case scenario is that they’ll say no so there’s really nothing to lose.

3. Goals – what goals or challenges should I set for this moon phase?

Three of Swords.

The Three of Swords is saying to me to not sacrifice your happiness for the needs of others, and that I need to be very careful with where I’m spending my energy this month.  

As an empath and intuitive, it’s sometimes too easy for me to get tangled up in the trials and tribulations in the lives of loved ones, and while it’s good to be a supportive friend and be there for people in their time of need, I have to take care of myself and my needs first.  

The challenge for the month is all about setting firm but loving boundaries with people in my life to prevent feelings of resentment and to not get overly involved in others drama.

4. Drift – what do I need to let go of from the last moon phase?

The Chariot

The Chariot is a card that’s all about control.  Often times in a reading, it’s about the need to take control. However, since it showed up in the position of what needs to be let go, this card is all about the need to release the need to control everything and trust that things are going to work out as they’re meant to.

It’s not saying that I should go crawl up into bed and pull the covers up over my head and assume that everything’s going to work out for the best.  It doesn’t work that way.  What it is saying is to keep doing the things that ARE within my control. Keep showing up, keep putting myself out there, and shining my light because those are the things that are going to cause my life to be what I want it to be.

5. Advice – what advice do my spirit guides have for me for this moon phase?

8 of Pentacles

Keep working and experimenting. Nothing is ever going to be absolutely perfect, but as long as I’m trying and putting myself out there everyday, I’ll continue to grow and evolve.  Transparency with that growth is what’s going to draw people into my circle and want to learn from the things that I know.

*Please note that links to include my affiliate ID.  

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